1、个人陈述教材(6)Lesson Six: Editing and RevisingWriting is not a one-time act. Writing is a process. Memorable writing comes more from rewriting than it does from the first draft. By rewriting you will improve your essay - guaranteed. If you skimp on the rewriting process, you significantly reduce the chan
2、ces that your essay will be as good as it could be.Once you have taken a break from your essay, come back and read it through one time with a fresh perspective. Analyze it as objectively as possible based on the following three components: substance, structure, and interest. Do not worry yet about s
3、u*ce errors and spelling mistakes; focus instead on the larger issues. Consider reordering your supporting details, delete irrelevant sections, and make clear the broader implications of your experiences. Allow your more important arguments to come to the foreground. Take points that might only be i
4、mplicit and make them explicit.Common FlawsUnlike every other means of evaluation, the personal essay is not multiple-choice, it is not timed, and it does not require auditions or tryouts. You can re-write it hundreds of times and ask everyone you know to read it. Unlike your test scores, grades, an
5、d recommendations, you have absolute control over your application essay. Make sure you use that control to your advantage and dont fall victim to the most common essay flaws.Poor ProofingSpell checks cant catch everything. Be sure to read your essay for unintended or silly meanings. Take a lesson f
6、rom these unfortunate essay blunders:“I am proud to be able to say that I have sustained from the use of drugs, alcohol and tobacco products.“For almost all involved in these stories, premature burial has had a negative effect on their lives.“Going to school in your wonderfully gothic setting would
7、be an exciting challenge.“He was a modest man with an unbelievable ego.“Boring IntroductionsExample: Art is a reflection of ones self-identity in the most unaffected manner. Because art is very personal, it has no right or wrong. The type of art that has influenced me most is music.The first two sen
8、tences in this introduction set the kind of tone you want to maintain throughout your essay: introspective and creative. However, it moves on to a very boring and stifled structure in the third sentence. To keep the tone creative, you could replace that sentence with the following: “Although artisti
9、c expression can take many forms, it is music that has captivated me.“Not Enough DetailToo often, an essay with an interesting story will fizzle into a series of statements that tell rather than show the qualities of the writer. Students wrongfully assume that the reader will not “get it“ if they do
10、 not beat their main arguments to death. Thus, the essay succumbs to the usual clich 閟: the value of hard work and perseverance, learning from mistakes, etc. An example helps explain the difference:In a mediocre essay: I developed a new compassion for the disabled.In a good essay: The next time Mrs.
11、 Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm.The first example provides no detail, but the final example evokes a vivid image of something that actually happened, thus placing the reader in the experience of the applicant.WordinessBecause personal essays are
12、limited to a certain number of words, you must use the allotted space wisely. Sometimes that means paring down ideas or details, especially if they are repetitive or irrelevant. Details that dont relate to the story serve only to distract the reader and to obscure the larger themes of the essay. Her
13、es one convoluted example:Before: Bound to a sacred covenant of marriage, Ethan is cognizant of the significance of remaining loyal to ones wife and also of the stigma associated with maltreatment of her. Violating this code of ethics invariably results in adverse effects, as is sadly witnessed in t
14、he outcome of Ethan Frome.After: Bound to a sacred covenant of marriage, Ethan understands what will happen to him if he is disloyal to his wife. Any violation of this code of ethics means disaster, as witnessed in the finale of Ethan Frome.ColloquialismSlang terms, cliches, contractions, and an exc
15、essively casual tone should be eliminated from all but the most informal essays. An essays language needs to take itself seriously if it hopes to be taken seriously by others. Only non-traditional pieces, such as ones in the form of narrative or dialogue, should rely on conversational elements. Info
16、rmal writing works only when the writer is consciously trying to achieve an effect. Heres one example of inappropriately colloquial language.Example: You are probably wondering, what are the political issues that make this kid really mad? Well, I get steamed when I hear about my friends throwing awa
17、y their right to vote. Voting is part of what makes this country great. Some kids believe that their vote doesnt count. Well, I think theyre wrong.Sentence VarietyThe longer the sentence, the better it is - or so some students think. Obviously, this is far from the truth. Long, complicated sentences
18、 do not prove a writers worth, and short sentences often pack the most punch. The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths, mixed within any given paragraph. While reading an essay out loud, listen to the rhythm of the prose. If the sentences twist and turn for entire paragraphs, or you run
19、 out of breath at any point, break them up into smaller statements.Before: I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I learned about the effort needed to improve myself. I began to love music.After: I started playing piano at the age of eight. From
20、the beginning, I worked hard to learn difficult pieces, and this struggle taught me the effort needed for self-improvement. My work with the piano nourished my love for music.As an exercise to improve sentence variety, once you have completed your essay, try labeling each sentence “short“ (under 10
21、words), “medium“ (under 20 words), or “long“ (20 or more words). A nice paragraph might read something like M S M L M S. A dry essay would be S S S M L L L.Use of Passive VoicePassive-voice expressions use verb phrases that include a form of to be, such as am, is, was, were, are, or been. Overuse of
22、 the passive voice makes prose seem flat and uninteresting. Sentences in active voice are also more concise than those in passive voice.Before: I will be prepared for college as a result of the lessons my mother taught me.After: My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college.Dont Thesa
23、urusize Your EssayPut your thesaurus away when writing your application essay. Big words, especially when misused, detract from the essay, inappropriately drawing the readers attention.Before: As a youth, I performed on myriad stages throughout the country.After: As a youth, I performed on countless
24、 stages throughout the country.By eliminating these common flaws from your essay, you can engage the admissions committee with your experiences, rather than amusing them for being the “modest kid with an unbelievable ego.“Editing ChecklistSUBSTANCESubstance refers to the content of the essay and the
25、 message you send out. Here are some questions to ask yourself regarding content:Have I answered the question asked?Do I back up each point that I make with an example? Have I used concrete and personal examples?Have I been specific? (Go on a generalities hunt. Turn the generalities into specifics.)
26、Could anyone else have written this essay?What does it say about me? After * a list of all the words you have used within the essay - directly and indirectly - to describe yourself, ask: Does this list accurately represent me?Does the writing sound like me? Is it personal and informal rather than up
27、tight or stiff?Regarding the introduction, is it personal? Is it too general? Can the essay get along without it?What about the essay makes it memorable?STRUCTUREThe meaning of an essay can be obscured by not properly ordering your ideas. Your essay should be a roadmap leading the reader to an inevi
28、table conclusion.To check the overall structure of your essay, conduct a first-sentence check. Write down the first sentence of every paragraph in order. Read through them one after another and ask the following:o Would someone who was reading only these sentences still understand exactly what I am
29、trying to say?o Do the first sentences express all of my main points?o Do the thoughts flow naturally, or do they seem to skip around or come out of left field?Now go back to your essay as a whole and ask these questions:o Does each paragraph stick to the thought that was introduced in the first sen
30、tence?温馨提示：专业的事情，交给专业的机构来完成。10 年来，监审留学一直致力于留学文书的写作服务，已经帮助过无数留学生申请到理想的大学，擅长美国，加拿大，英国和澳洲的个人陈述和推荐信写作。如果您有写作方面的需求可以 联系 QQ：970865017，按时交稿，绝不拖延，再也不用发愁。o Does a piece of evidence support each point? How well does the evidence support the point?Is each paragraph roughly the same length? Stepping back and sq
31、uinting at the essay, do the paragraphs look balanced on the page? (If one is significantly longer than the rest, you are probably trying to squeeze more than one thought into it.)Does my conclusion draw naturally from the previous paragraphs?Have I varied the length and structure of my sentences?IN
32、TERESTMany people think only of mechanics when they revise and rewrite their compositions. As we know, though, the interest factor is crucial in keeping the admissions officers reading and remembering your essay. Look at your essay with the interest equation in mind: personal + specific = interestin
33、g. Answer the following:Is the opening paragraph personal?Do I start with action or an image?Does the essay show rather than tell?Did I use any words that are not usually a part of my vocabulary? (If so, get rid of them.)Have I used the active voice whenever possible?Have I overused adjectives and a
34、dverbs?Have I eliminated cliches?Have I deleted redundancies?Does the essay sound interesting to me? (If it bores you, imagine what it will do to others.)Will the ending give the reader a sense of completeness? Does the last sentence sound like the last sentence?PROOFREADINGWhen you are satisfied wi
35、th the structure and content of your essay, it is time to check for grammar, spelling, typos, and the like. You can fix obvious things right away: a misspelled or misused word, a seemingly endless sentence, or improper punctuation. Keep rewriting until your words say what you want them to say. Ask y
36、ourself these questions:Did I punctuate correctly?Did I eliminate exclamation points (except in dialogue)?Did I use capitalization clearly and consistently?Do the subjects agree in number with the verbs?Did I place the periods and commas inside the quotation marks?Did I keep contractions to a minimu
37、m? Do apostrophes appear in the right places?Did I replace the name of the proper school for each new application?Have I caught every single typo? (You can use your spell-checker but make sure that you check and re-check every change it makes. It is a computer after all.)Essay GaffesYou would be ama
38、zed at the things that get written in admissions essays-even at the top schools. The following is a list of some of the funniest mistakes found by the admissions officers on our team. Remember that behind the hilarity of these errors lurks a serious message: always proofread your essays! Otherwise,
39、you will get the same reaction that these other applicants did: “it makes you wonder if these kids care about their essays at all,?said one of our staff.“I never know whether to call it apathy or ignorance,? said another but either way, the impression is not good.?Then again, at least they got a lau
40、gh!Mt. Elgon National Park is well known for its rich deposits of herds of elephants.I enjoyed my bondage with the family and especially with their mule, Jake.The book was very entertaining, even though it was about a dull subject, World War II.I would love to attend a college where the foundation w
41、as built upon women.The worst experience that I have probably ever had to go through emotionally was when other members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and I went to Pennsylvania for their annual pigeon shooting.He was a modest man with an unbelievable ego.Scuba One members are
42、 volunteers, but that never stops them from trying to save someones life.Hemingway includes no modern terminology in A Farewell to Arms. This, of course, is due to that fact that it was not written recently.I am proud to be able to say that I have sustained from the use of drugs, alcohol and tobacco
43、 products.Ive been a strong advocate of the abomination of drunk driving.If Homers primary view of mortal life could be expressed in a word it would be this: life is fleeting.Such things as divorces, separations, and annulments greatly reduce the need for adultery to be committed.It is rewarding to
44、hear when some of these prisoners I have fought for are released, yet triumphant when others are executed.Playing the saxophone lets me develop technique and skill which will help me in the future, since I would like to become a doctor.However, many students would not be able to emerge from the same
45、 situation unscrewed.I look at each stage as a challenge, and an adventure, and as another experience on my step ladder of life.Bare your cross,something I have heard all my life.There was one man in particular who caught my attention. He was a tiny man with ridiculously features all of which, with
46、the exception of his nose, seemed to drown in the mass of the delicate transparent pinkish flesh that cascaded from his forehead and flowed over the collar of his tuxedo and the edge of his bow tie.Take Wordsworth, for example; every one of his words is worth a hundred words.For almost all involved
47、in these stories, premature burial has had a negative effect on their lives.I know that as we age, we tend to forget the bricklayers of our lives.I would like to see my own ignorance wither into enlightenment.Another activity I take personally is my church Youth Group.The outdoors is two dimensional
48、, challenging my physical and mental capabilities.Going to school in your wonderfully gothic setting would be an exciting challenge.My mother worked hard to provide me with whatever I needed in my life, a good home, a fairly stale family and a wonderful education.I hope to provide in turn, a self mo
49、tivated, confident, and capable individual to add to the reputation of Vasser University whose name stands up for itself. Note: the correct spelling is Vassar.Filled with Victorian furniture and beautiful antique fixtures, even at that age I was amazed.They eagerly and happily took our bags, welcomed us in English, and quickly drove us out of the airport.Do I shake the hand that has always bitten meIn the spring, people were literally exploding outside.Freedom of speech is the ointment which sets us free.I first was exposed through a friend who attends school.As
