1、Mark TwainThe 1,000,000 Bank-NoteWhen I was twenty-seven years old, I was a mining-brokers clerk in San Francisco, and an expert in all the details of stock traffic. I was alone in theworld, and had nothing to depend upon but my wits and a clean reputation; but these were setting my feet in the road
2、 to eventual fortune, and I was content with the prospect. My time was my own after the afternoon board, Saturdays, and I was accustomed to put it in on a little sail-boat on the bay. One day I ventured toofar, and was carried out to sea. Just at nightfall, when hope was about gone, I was picked up
3、by a small brig which was bound for London. It was a long and stormy voyage, and they made me work my passage without pay, as a common sailor.When I stepped ashore in London my clothes were ragged and shabby, and I had only a dollar in my pocket. This money fed and sheltered me twenty-four hours. Du
4、ring the next twenty-four I went without food and shelter. About ten oclock on the following morning, seedy and hungry, I was draggingmyself along Portland Place, when a child that was passing, towed by a nurse-maid, tossed a luscious big pear - minus one bite - into the gutter. I stopped, of course
5、, and fastened my desiring eye on that muddy treasure. My mouth wateredfor it, my stomach craved it, my whole being begged for it. But every time I made a move to get it some passing eye detected my purpose, and of course I straightened up then, and looked indifferent, and pretended that I hadnt bee
6、n thinking about the pear at all. This same thing kept happening and happening, and I couldnt get the pear. I was just getting desperate enough to brave all the shame, and to seize it, when a window behind me was raised, and a gentleman spoke out of it, saying: “Step in here, please.“ I was admitted
7、 by a gorgeous flunkey, and shown into a sumptuous room where a couple of elderly gentlemen were sitting. They sent away the servant, and mademe sit down. They had just finished their breakfast, and the sight of the remains of it almost overpowered me. I could hardly keep my wits together in thepres
8、ence of that food, but as I was not asked to sample it, I had to bear my trouble as best I could. Now, something had been happening there a little before, which I did not know anything about until a good many days afterwards, but I will tell you aboutit now. Those two old brothers had been having a
9、pretty hot argument a couple ofdays before, and had ended by agreeing to decide it by a bet, which is the English way of settling everything. You will remember that the Bank of England once issued two notes of a million pounds each, to be used for a special purpose connected with some publictransact
10、ion with a foreign country. For some reason or other only one of these had been used and canceled; the other still lay in the vaults of the Bank. Well,the brothers, chatting along, happened to get to wondering what might be the fate of a perfectly honest and intelligent stranger who should be turned
11、 adrift in London without a friend, and with no money but that million-pound bank-note, and no way to account for his being in possession of it. Brother A said he wouldstarve to death; Brother B said he wouldnt. Brother A said he couldnt offer itat a bank or anywhere else, because he would be arrest
12、ed on the spot. So they went on disputing till Brother B said he would bet twenty thousand pounds that the man would live thirty days, anyway, on that million, and keep out of jail, too. Brother A took him up. Brother B went down to the Bank and bought that note. Just like an Englishman, you see; pl
13、uck to the backbone. Then he dictated a letter, which one of his clerks wrote out in a beautiful round hand, and then the two brothers sat at the window a whole day watching for the right man to give it to. They saw many honest faces go by that were not intelligent enough; many thatwere intelligent,
14、 but not honest enough; many that were both, but the possessorswere not poor enough, or, if poor enough, were not strangers. There was always adefect, until I came along; but they agreed that I filled the bill all around; so they elected me unanimously, and there I was now waiting to know why I was
15、called in. They began to ask me questions about myself, and pretty soon they hadmy story. Finally they told me I would answer their purpose. I said I was sincerely glad, and asked what it was. Then one of them handed me an envelope, and said I would find the explanation inside. I was going to open i
16、t, but he said no; take it to my lodgings, and look it over carefully, and not be hasty orrash. I was puzzled, and wanted to discuss the matter a little further, but theydidnt; so I took my leave, feeling hurt and insulted to be made the butt of what was apparently some kind of a practical joke, and
17、 yet obliged to put up with it, not being in circumstances to resent affronts from rich and strong folk. I would have picked up the pear now and eaten it before all the world, but it was gone; so I had lost that by this unlucky business, and the thought of it did not soften my feeling towards those
18、men. As soon as I was out of sight of that house I opened my envelope, and saw that it contained money! My opinion of those people changed, I can tell you! I lost not a moment, but shoved note and money into my vest pocket, and broke for the nearest cheap eating house. Well, how I did eat! When at l
19、ast I couldnt hold any more, I took out my money and unfolded it, took one glimpse and nearly fainted. Five millions of dollars! Why,it made my head swim. I must have sat there stunned and blinking at the note as much as a minute before I came rightly to myself again. The first thing I noticed, then
20、, was the landlord. His eye was on the note, and he was petrified. He was worshiping, withall his body and soul, but he looked as if he couldnt stir hand or foot. I tookmy cue in a moment, and did the only rational thing there was to do. I reached the note towards him, and said, carelessly: “Give me
21、 the change, please.“ Then he was restored to his normal condition, and made a thousand apologies for not being able to break the bill, and I couldnt get him to touch it. He wanted to look at it, and keep on looking at it; he couldnt seem to get enough of it to quench the thirst of his eye, but he s
22、hrank from touching it as if it had been something too sacred for poor common clay to handle. I said: “I am sorry if it is an inconvenience, but I must insist. Please change it; I havent anything else.“ But he said that wasnt any matter; he was quite willing to let the trifle stand over till another
23、 time. I said I might not be in his neighborhood again for a good while; but he said it was of no consequence, he could wait, and, moreover, I could have anything I wanted, any time I chose, and let the account run as long as I pleased. He said he hoped he wasnt afraid to trust as rich a gentleman a
24、s I was, merely because I was of a merry disposition, and chose to play larks on the public in the matter of dress. By this time another customer was entering, and the landlord hinted to me to put the monster out of sight; then he bowed me all the way to the door, and I started straight for that hou
25、se and those brothers, to correct the mistake which had been made before the policeshould hunt me up, and help me do it. I was pretty nervous; in fact, pretty badly frightened, though, of course, I was no way in fault; but I knew men well enough to know that when they find theyve given a tramp a mil
26、lion-pound bill when they thought it was a one-pounder, they are in a frantic rage against him instead of quarreling with their own near-sightedness, as they ought. As I approached the house my excitement began to abate, for all was quiet there, which made me feel pretty sure the blunder was not dis
27、covered yet. I rang. The same servant appeared. I asked for those gentlemen. “They are gone.“ This in the lofty, cold way of that fellows tribe. “Gone? Gone where?“ “On a journey.“ “But whereabouts?“ “To the Continent, I think.“ “The Continent?“ “Yes, sir.“ “Which way - by what route?“ “I cant say,
28、sir.“ “When will they be back?“ “In a month, they said.“ “A month! Oh, this is awful! Give me some sort of idea of how to get a word to them. Its of the last importance.“ “I cant, indeed. Ive no idea where theyve gone, sir.“ “Then I must see some member of the family.“ “Familys away, too; been abroa
29、d months - in Egypt and India, I think.“ “Man, theres been an immense mistake made. Theyll be back before night. Will you tell them Ive been here, and that I will keep coming till its all made right, and they neednt be afraid?“ “Ill tell them, if they come back, but I am not expecting them. They sai
30、d you would be here in an hour to make inquiries, but I must tell you its all right, theyll be here on time and expect you.“ So I had to give it up and go away. What a riddle it all was! I was like to lose my mind. They would be here “on time.“ What could that mean? Oh, the letterwould explain, mayb
31、e. I had forgotten the letter; I got it out and read it. Thisis what it said: “You are an intelligent and honest man, as one may see by your face. We conceive you to be poor and a stranger. Enclosed you will find a sum of money. It is lent to you for thirty days, without interest. Report at this hou
32、se at theend of that time. I have a bet on you. If I win it you shall have any situation that is in my gift - any, that is, that you shall be able to prove yourself familiar with and competent to fill.“ No signature, no address, no date. Well, here was a coil to be in! You are posted on what had pre
33、ceded all this, but I was not. It was just a deep, dark puzzle to me. I hadnt the least idea what the game was, nor whether harm was meant me or a kindness. I went intoa park, and sat down to try to think it out, and to consider what I had best do.At the end of an hour my reasonings had crystallized
34、 into this verdict. Maybe those men mean me well, maybe they mean me ill; no way to decide that - let it go. Theyve got a game, or a scheme, or an experiment, of some kind on hand; no way to determine what it is - let it go. Theres a bet on me; no way tofind out what it is - let it go. That disposes
35、 of the indeterminable quantities;the remainder of the matter is tangible, solid, and may be classed and labeled with certainty. If I ask the Bank of England to place this bill to the credit ofthe man it belongs to, theyll do it, for they know him, although I dont; but they will ask me how I came in
36、 possession of it, and if I tell the truth, theyll put me in the asylum, naturally, and a lie will land me in jail. The same result would follow if I tried to bank the bill anywhere or to borrow moneyon it. I have got to carry this immense burden around until those men come back,whether I want to or
37、 not. It is useless to me, as useless as a handful of ashes,and yet I must take care of it, and watch over it, while I beg my living. I couldnt give it away, if I should try, for neither honest citizen nor highwayman would accept it or meddle with it for anything. Those brothers are safe. Even if I
38、lose their bill, or burn it, they are still safe, because they can stop payment, and the Bank will make them whole; but meantime Ive got to doa months suffering without wages or profit - unless I help win that bet, whatever it may be, and get that situation that I am promised. I should like to get t
39、hat; men of their sort have situations in their gift that are worth having.I got to thinking a good deal about that situation. My hopes began to rise high. Without doubt the salary would be large. It would begin in a month; after that I should be all right. Pretty soon I was feeling first-rate. By t
40、his time Iwas tramping the streets again. The sight of a tailor-shop gave me a sharp longing to shed my rags, and to clothe myself decently once more. Could I affordit? No; I had nothing in the world but a million pounds. So I forced myself to go on by. But soon I was drifting back again. The tempta
41、tion persecuted me cruelly. I must have passed that shop back and forth six times during that manful struggle. At last I gave in; I had to. I asked if they had a misfit suit that had been thrown on their hands. The fellow I spoke to nodded his head towards another fellow, and gave me no answer. I we
42、nt to the indicated fellow, and he indicated another fellow with his head, and no words. I went to him, and he said: “ Tend to you presently.“ I waited till he was done with what he was at, then he took me into a back room, and overhauled a pile of rejected suits, and selected the rattiest one forme
43、. I put it on. It didnt fit, and wasnt in any way attractive, but it was new, and I was anxious to have it; so I didnt find any fault, but said, with some diffidence: “It would be an accommodation to me if you could wait some days for the money. I havent any small change about me.“ The fellow worked
44、 up a most sarcastic expression of countenance, and said: “Oh, you havent? Well, of course, I didnt expect it. Id only expect gentlemen like you to carry large change.“ I was nettled, and said: “My friend, you shouldnt judge a stranger always by the clothes he wears. Iam quite able to pay for this s
45、uit; I simply didnt wish to put you to the trouble of changing a large note.“ He modified his style a little at that, and said, though still with something of an air: “I didnt mean any particular harm, but as long as rebukes are going, I might say it wasnt quite your affair to jump to the conclusion
46、 that we couldntchange any note that you might happen to be carrying around. On the contrary, wecan.“ I handed the note to him, and said: “Oh, very well; I apologize.“ He received it with a smile, one of those large smiles which goes all aroundover, and has folds in it, and wrinkles, and spirals, an
47、d looks like the place where you have thrown a brick in a pond; and then in the act of his taking a glimpse of the bill this smile froze solid, and turned yellow, and looked like those wavy, wormy spreads of lava which you find hardened on little levels on the side of Vesuvius. I never before saw a
48、smile caught like that, and perpetuated. The man stood there holding the bill, and looking like that, and the proprietor hustled up to see what was the matter, and said, briskly: “Well, whats up? whats the trouble? whats wanting?“ I said: “There isnt any trouble. Im waiting for my change.“ “Come, co
49、me; get him his change, Tod; get him his change.“ Tod retorted: “Get him his change! Its easy to say, sir; but look at the bill yourself.“ The proprietor took a look, gave a low, eloquent whistle, then made a dive for the pile of rejected clothing, and began to snatch it this way and that, talking all the time excitedly, and as if to himself: “Sell an eccentric millionaire such an unspeakable suit as that! Tods a fool - a born fool. Always doing something like this. Drives every millionaire away from this place, because he cant tell a
