1、Harvard Positive Psychology 21Relationship and Self-esteem You know this story about Gertrude Stein, and she was taking philosophy class with William James, right here in the Art.你们都听过格特鲁德.斯泰因的这个故事，她那时上 William James 的哲学课，就在哈佛拉德克利夫学院。And they had their final exam. And it was spring semester course.
2、And she comes into the exam. And its a day like today.要期末考试了，她上的是春季班，她来到考场，就跟今天一样是个晴朗的日子。And the exam is about metaphysics, and the meaning of life. So she opens the exam and writes, “Today is too beautiful a day to take an exam.” And she walks out.于是她打开试卷，写道：“多么美好的一天，不应该浪费在考试上。 ”然后走出了教室。And you kno
3、w, as legend has it of course she gets a straight A in William James class.而且传说 William James 的课程她全 A 通过。Dont use that as an example or an excuse later on in this semester. But I really appreciate you being here today.本学期考试时不要学她或者拿她当借口，不过我真的很感谢各位今天出席。It is a beautiful day, I was thinking of having t
4、he class outside, but I thinkmaybe we should. Yeah.今天天气非常好，我想过要到户外上课的，不过.也许我们应该去的，是的。What we are going to do today is finish up on relationships, we have just a little to go, and then start with our final topic for the course, which is self-esteem.今天我们要讲完爱情，还差一点就讲完了，然后我们会开始讲本课程最后一个话题，也就是自尊。So let me
5、 just recap what we did when we discussed relationships.先回顾一下上回讲到的关于爱情的内容。So we talked about how do we given our natures, how do we attain, how do we sustain lasting love, lasting passion when it seems on the physiological level at least, that our natures are not attuned to that approach.先回顾一下上回讲到的关
6、于爱情的内容。我讲到了人类要如何.考虑到人的本性，人类要如何获得，维持长久的爱情与激情，因为从心理学角度看，这似乎有违人的本性。And we talked about when studying the best relationships, the “tip of the stem” four characteristics, based on the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman.当我们讲到研究那些最成功的恋情时，最成功的恋情有四个特点，根据 David Schnarch 和 John Gottman 的研究发现的。The first on
7、e is: relationship is the hard work. Its an illusion to think that the most important thing is finding the right relationship. It is more important to cultivate that one chosen relationship.第一条是：经营爱情需要付出努力。人们往往误以为寻找最合适的爱情对象是最重要的，其实更重要的是如何经营你选择的爱情。And just like we would not thrive, succeed at work, i
8、f we said, ”Well, I just found my dream job.” And the put our legs up and relax.就跟工作一样，如果我们找到了梦想中的工作，然后翘起腿，什么也不做，是不可能成功的。Similarly we would not thrive in a relationship, if we have the finding mindset. We just need to find it and we will live happily ever after, as we talked about movies and where l
9、ove begins.同样的，如果我们在一段恋情中抱有寻找心态，我们的恋情也不会成功。以为只要找到爱情就能幸福地生活下去，我们说过，电影结束时，正是爱情刚开始时。The second component of a healthy, lasting and passionate relationship related to the first one is the notion of being known rather than being validated.一段健康长久充满激情的爱情中的第二个组成部分，跟第一个有关联，我们要被了解，而不是被认可。Expressing rather tha
10、n impressing, being open, revealing our weaknesses as well as our strengths, our desires, our passions, our passions, our fears and insecurities.表达自己，而不是粉饰自己，坦开心扉，坦诚自己的弱点，优点，渴望，热情，恐惧与不安。And relationships that do, or partners that do that within a relationship, over time attain higher and higher leve
11、ls of intimacy, happiness, and they thrive, and they remain maintain their passion, this is the second component.这样的爱情，恋爱中的双方如果这样做了，会渐渐变得更加亲密，更加快乐，感情更好，激情不衰，这是第二个组成部分。The third component of a healthy relationship is that there are conflicts there. It is an illusion to believe that the ideal relation
12、ship is one that is conflict free that doesnt exist, unless both partners are suppressing serious issues.健康爱情的第三个组成部分是，冲突是不可避免的，人们往往误以为理想的爱情没有冲突，这是不可能的，除非双方都在刻意躲避严重的问题。So there are conflicts in relationships. The challenge is to have more positivity than negativity of course in a relationship, but a
13、lso to learn how to be in the midst of disagreement, how to have conflict.所以爱情中时有冲突发生。当然在一段恋情中，我们的挑战就是要让积极大于消极的，而且要学会如何应对分歧应对冲突。And finally, the fourth point that we talked about was positive perception, being a benefit finder, and more than that, being a benefit creator.最后，第四点是积极认知，要做优点感知者，不仅如此还要创造
14、优点。I want to just go back quickly, and elaborate on something that I didnt last time about the conflict or conflicts within a relationship.我们快快回顾一遍，然后细讲一些上回没说的东西：关于爱情中的冲突。I think the most important essay, article that I read about relationships in general was the article on friendship by Ralph Waldo
15、 Emerson, published in a84a. And what Emerson writes about is his ideal friend. Let me quote him.我觉得我读过的关于爱情最重要的文章，是艾默生的，发表于 1841 年，艾默生在其中写了他理想的朋友，我来读一段。He says,” in a friend, what I am looking for is not a mush of concessions, a person who would agree with everything that I say, rather what Im look
16、ing for is a beautiful enemy, a person who will challenge me, who will push me, who will help me in my apprenticeship to the truth.”他说“在朋友身上，我寻找的不是盲目的让步，对我千依百顺的人，我寻找的是一个美丽的敌人，能挑战我，敦促我，帮助我寻求真相。”A beautiful enemy what a beautiful phrase. A conflict free relationship is where there are no beautiful ene
17、mies.美丽的敌人，多美的描述，没有冲突的爱情，就没有美丽的敌人。A beautiful enemy is a person who loves us, who cares about us enough to challenge us, enough to disagree.美丽的敌人是指因为爱我们，关心我们，所以要跟我们针锋相对的人，关心我们，所以要跟我们针锋相对的人。And ask yourself what kind what kind of friend, what kind of romantic parnter would you like? A yes man or woma
18、n? Or a person who would be honest, would have high levels of integrity?问问你自己，你想找的是什么样的朋友或伴侣，是百依百顺的好好先生或太太吗？还是一个诚恳待人，直言规劝的诤友。What is the ideal friend? What is the ideal partner? You know its interesting this whole idea of beautiful enemy goes way back, it goes back to the most influential text in ce
19、rtainly the Western world, which is the Bible.理想的朋友，理想的伴侣，是什么样的？有趣的是，美丽敌人这一概念最早可以追溯到西方世界最有影响力的文本，即圣经。In Genesis, God sees that man is alone, so he creates a help meet for him, a woman, a helpmeet.在创世纪中，上帝看到男人独居，于是为他造一个配偶帮助他，一个女人，helpmeet。What does that phrase mean? This is the King James translation
20、.helpmeet 这个词是什么意思？这是钦定版圣经的翻译。Well, if you look at it in the Hebrew, original, “helpmeet” is “ezer kenegdoor”, or help as opppsition. In other words, the helpmeet translation, the meet part, M-E-E-T, IS like athletic meet, like a competition, not helping and they meet together its help as opposition
21、.好，如果你看希伯来原文， “helpmeet”的原文是“ezer kengdoor“对立的帮助，也就是说 helpmeet 中 meet 的意思，类似运动会的会，也就是竞争，不是指帮助并取得共识，而是对立的帮助。And already then that it was notices the ideal relationship is not one which is all smooth, conflict free, it is one where there is some resistance.所以那时人们已经注意到，理想的爱情不是一帆风顺没有冲突的，而是有阻力的。And its t
22、his resistance that Gottman talked about in the or he is talking about in the 2ast century that it is so important, so critical for a healthy relationship, a beautiful enemy, help as opposition, helpmeet, again with a lot of positivity in the relationship as well.这种阻力就是 Gottman 曾经谈到.本世纪一直谈到的，对于健康的爱情
23、关系非常重要且关键的，一个美丽的敌人，对立的帮助。当然还要有积极的态度。So we move on, and just finish up on positive perception. I want to show you an excerpt from one of my favorite movie as I think its one of the best movies certainly in the realm of psychology ever made, from As Good As it Gets.我们继续讲积极认知，我想给大家放一段视频，是我最爱电影的片段，我认为这部
24、影片是心理学领域最成功的一部影片。And here is the part where Holly Hunter tells Jack Nicholson that hed better give her a compliment and itd better be a good compliment. Because if it is not, shes getting up and leaving. He just said something very offensive to her. So here is what he has to say to the woman he love
25、s,这段视频中海伦.亨特告诉杰克.尼克尔森，他最好称赞一下她而且要称赞得很好听，否则她就马上离开，他之前刚说了非常冒犯她的话，于是他对他爱的女人这么说。“Ok, now Ive got a really great compliment for you, and its true.”“好了，现在，我是有些称赞你的话，而且都是真心话。 ”“Im so afraid youre about to say something awful.”“我担心你会说出很难听的话。 ”“Dont be pessimistic. Its not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearl
26、y, a mistake, Ive got this, what-aliment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of cases, a pill really helps. I hate pills, very dangerous thing, pills, hate. Im using the word “hate” here, about pills. Hate.”“悲观可不是你的风格。好了，我要说了:确实，我错了。我得了，怎么说.
27、小毛病?我的医生，我常去看的心理医生说五到六成的病例服药就会有效，我憎恨吃药，药很危险，恨死了，我说药时用的是恨死了，恨死了。 ”“My compliment is that night when you came over and told me that you would neverAll right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.”“我想称赞你的是，那天晚上当你来我家，告诉
28、我你决不会.好吧，你当时在场，说过什么你知道。我要恭维你的是.第二天早晨我开始服药。 ”“I dont quite get how thats a compliment for me.”“这算哪门子的称赞。 ”“You make me want it be a better man.”“你使我想成为更好的男人。 ”“Thats maybe the best compliment of my life.”“这是我这辈子听过最好听的称赞。 ”“Because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.”“也许过头了，因为我只想
29、着不让你走出去。 ”This is the essence of benefit creating. You make me want to be a better man, a better woman, a better person. You make me want to be do the dishes as well.这就是创造优点的本质，你使我想成为更好的男人，更好的女人，一个更好的人，你使我想自愿洗餐具做家务。What do we do then? How do we get a relationship or partners in relationships to focu
30、s on the positive, to focus on the benefit, to focus on creating more good there? Well we are going back to the very first lesson, very first class and that is the importance of questions.那我们该怎么做?如何让爱情关系或伴侣关注积极正面的东西，关注优点，创造优点？这就得回到第一堂课的内容，也就是提问的重要性。Remember, questions begin a quest. When we ask cert
31、ain question, we see certain things that we didnt see before. When we ask certain question, we are also avoiding or not seeing part of reality.记得，提问是探求的开始，当我们问问题时会留意到以往忽视的东西，我们问问题时也会忽视一些现实情况。Remember the geometric shapes, its all you saw, you didnt see colors, you didnt see children on the bus, most
32、 of you did not see the clock.还记得几何图形吗，你们只看到了图形，没留意颜色，没看到公车上的孩子，大多数人没看到钟。And very often in relationships, the questions that we ask after the honey moon is “Whats wrong? What happened? Or what can be improved?”在爱情关系中，我们在蜜月期之后常问的问题是“出什么问题了，怎么会这样，怎么改进？”And again, these are important questions with ver
33、y good intentions. But we just avoid or dont see an important part of reality.重申，这些问题很重要，出发点是好的，但是我们回避或忽视了一些重要的现实。So the questions that we need to ask are also the positive questions, the questions that will allow us to see the children on the bus.我们需要问的问题应该是积极的，能让我们看到公车上的孩子的问题。What am I grateful fo
34、r in my partner? And its important to do that always, especially during difficult times, because theres always something to appreciate.我的伴侣有哪些优点，让我觉得感激，经常这么问问自己很重要，尤其是遇到矛盾时，因为总有些东西值得欣赏。And if we dont appreciate that thing, the good depreciates, whether it applying to our country, to our organization
35、, to our relationship as well as to ourselves.如果我们不懂得欣赏，那优点就会贬值，这个道理对我们国家组织 爱情及自己同样适用。Second positive question: What is wonderful about our relationships? Whats working? Why are we together in the first place? What do I love about him, her, us? Whats good?第二个积极正面的问题是：我们的关系有什么美妙之处，我们怎么会走到一起的？我爱他、她、我们
36、的哪一点？有哪些好的方面？And when we ask whats good, thats when we perceive it. And when we perceive it, when we appreciate it, it appreciates.我们问：“哪些好的方面”时，我们就看到了好的方面，当我们看到，欣赏这些好的方面时，它就增值了。Its not a surprise that the statistics are as they are what we saw last time, the most relationship flounder, and even tho
37、se stay together dont really thrive.我们并不感到惊讶，上周看到的统计数据显示，大多数恋情都是苟延残喘，即使勉强在一起，也没有什么感情可言。No, its no coincidence, its because of most of the questions that we asked again, with good intentions. No one has the intentions certainly not going into a relationship to end it or not to thrive in it.这不是巧合，这是因为
38、我们问的大多数问题显然意图是好的，当然，没人谈恋爱是为了分手或原地踏步。But most of the questions that we asked, that we are taught to ask are the ones that focus on the metaphorical geometric shapes.但是我们问的大多数问题，我们受到的教育让我们问的问题都集中在几何图形上。And we need to do is open up a new quest, no opportunity, see things that are there along that we si
39、mply have overlooked.我们要做的是，换一个角度来探索这个问题，看到那些一直都在但却被我们忽略了的东西。Again, the quote from Robert M.Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: so often we look for the truth, and the truth comes and knocks on our door, and we say to it, “Go away! Im looking for the truth.”引用 Robert M.Pirsigd 在 的句话：我
40、们常常追寻真相，当真相叩响我们的大门时，我们却说“走开，我寻求的是真相”。Very often its right in front of us, all we need to do is look. And one way to look, one way to guide our attention toward what is right in front of us is by asking also the positive questions.事实上，真相往往就在我们眼前，我们要做的就是仔细看，而引导我们注意到眼前东西的一个方法，就是提出积极正面的问题。Ok, so what do
41、 we have? What do we have so far? In terms of creating a more positive relationship, in terms of being a benefit creator, we want to focus on the potential. And theres one more thing, one more thing that we can do, and that is communicating about positive events.好了，目前我们讲了哪些。创造积极的爱情关系，做一个优点创造者，我们要关注潜
42、能，还有一件事我们能做到，也就是多沟通积极正面事件。This is taken from the work of Shelly Gable from UCLA, whos done to my mind the most important work in the area of positive psychology as it relates to relationships.这是加利福尼亚大学的 Shelly Gable 的研究，在我看来，她做了积极心理学领域里与爱情关系课题有关的最重要的研究。You see there is a lot of research that has bee
43、n done on negative communication, meaning what we saw last time how do you disagree, so rather have a cognitive disagreement, rather than an affective or emotional disagreement, focus on the substance, focus on the behavior, rather than on the person, on the emotions.有很多研究是关于消极沟通的，什么意思呢？我们上节课讲过如何处理分
44、歧，不要把分歧上上升到认知层面，不要把分歧恶化为情感上的分裂，要针对实在的行为，而不是针对人和感情。So we know that theres a lot of research on organizational behavior and couples counseling research and so on. There has been almost no research done on positive communication between couples, which is in line with most of the research done in psycho
45、logy,我们知道，有很多关于组织行为学及婚恋咨询的研究，但对情侣间积极沟通的研究几乎为零，这和心理学领域的大多数研究一样。Again, remember the ratio 21:1, now its a little bit less, about around 20 to a ratio, positive to negative research, same when it comes to relationship. No exception, unfortunately.还记得 21：1 的比率吗，现在有所提高了，大约 20：1 积极研究与消极研究的比例，爱情领域也一样，很不幸，没
46、有例外。Here comes Shelly Gable and says, “We also need to focus on what is working.” And she started to study positive communication about positive events quite. And lo and behold, what she found was quite remarkable.Shelly Gable 认为“我们还需要关注有用的东西 ”于是她开始研究积极沟通，积极事件。注意，她的发现非常了不起。In fact, what she found wa
47、s that the way couples communicate about positive events is better predictor of long term success in relationships than how they communicate about negative events.她发现一对伴侣如何沟通积极事件比起如何沟通消极事件，更能预测到这段感情能否天长地久。When things go well better predictor of long term, thriving passionate relationship than when t
48、hings do not go well.事情顺利时，比事情不顺时，更可能预测婚恋关系能否长久而甜蜜。So when I come home and tell my partner, “Oh, I just did this and it was amazing” Or “Ive just seen this and it was breath-taking.” Or this is what is going on at work. This is whats going on in my personal life, and its a good thing.所以我回家告诉我太太“哦，我今
49、天做了这事，太棒了”或者“我看了这部电影，太激动人心了”或者其他工作上的事，都是我生活中发生的点点滴滴，这是好事。 How my partner responds predicts a long term success of the relationship. Specifically what Gable is talking about is active constructive responding.而我太太如何回应，能预测到这段感情能否天长地久。Gable 的意思是指，主动的有建设性的回应。What is active constructive responding? What she does is divide it into a 2 by 2, Im going to present the 2 by 2 now.什么是主动的有建设性的回应？她分类得出了二行二列的表格，我现在就给大家介绍下。This is taken directly from the work of three of my colleagues, Jane Elsner, Barbara Helman and Amanda Horn from Australia.这是直接抄自我三位同僚
