1、经典英文笑话集锦(双语对照) - 1 -经典英文笑话集锦 (双语对照)A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: “God, what is a million dollars to you?“ and God says: “A penny“, then the man says: “God, what is a million years to you?“ and God says: “a second“, then the man says: “God, can I have a penny?“ and God says
2、 “In a second“ 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:“ 主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?“上帝回答:“ 一便士.“ 男子又问:“ 那一百万年呢 ?“上帝说:“一秒钟.“最后男子请求道 :“上帝, 我能得到一便士吗?“上帝回答 :“过一秒钟 .“Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations, you got twins.“
3、The man said “How strange, Im the manager of Minnesota Twins.“ After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations, you got triplets.“ Man was like “Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the “3 musketeers.“ Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says “Congratula
4、tions, you got twins x2.“ Man is happy and says, “Ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.“ All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him whats wrong and he answered, “Whats wrong? I work for 7up“!
5、四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:“恭喜,你得了双胞胎.“男人说:“多奇怪呀 ,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理.“过了一会儿, 护士过来对第二个男人说:“ 恭喜,你得了三胞胎.“ 男人很喜欢:“ 嗯, 又巧了. 我是 3M 公司的董事.“最后, 护士跑来对第三个男人说:“ 恭喜,你得了 2 对双胞胎.“男人很开心地说:“真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作.“他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲, 他回答道:“什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!“呵呵,一个比一个效率高.Osama Bin Laden, a Can
6、adian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, “I will grant each one a wish thats 3 together.“ The Canadian said, “I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile.“ The ge
7、nie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said “Genie, tell me more about this wall,“ the genie said,” Its 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can
8、get in and nothing can get out.“ President Bush said,” Wow! Thats a big bridge.Fill it with water! 拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵. 精灵说 :“我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个 .“加拿大人说:“我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫, 因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃.“精灵说了咒语愿望实现了. 拉登看了很惊奇, 他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了 .布什总统问 :“精灵请告诉我关于这座墙经典英文笑话集锦(双语对照) - 2 -的事情.“
9、精灵回答:“墙厚 50 英尺 ,高 500 英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去.“布什总统说:“哇!那是座大桥耶.注满水!“My Baby Swallowed a BulletYoung Mother: “Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?Doctor: “Dont point him at anybody.“Notes1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹2. to point at: 对.瞄准个中意味自己体会吧 :)AllybabyOnce two hunters went hunt
10、ing in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:“First, you should make sure that he is already dead.“
11、Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:“What should I do next?“ 两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。 ”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？” fool_fox 标题：Im the boss内容：The boss was complaining in
12、our staff meeting the other day that he wasnt getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, “Im the Boss“. He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to t
13、he sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!“ note:staff meeting:员工会议再来一个：Wifes pictureA businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepar
14、e another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.The bartender says, “Look, buddy, Ill bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order
15、a refill.“The customer replies, “Im peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to 经典英文笑话集锦(双语对照) - 3 -look good, then I know its time to go home.“ note:tavern 酒馆 , 客栈martini 马提尼酒peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过 v.偷看本文地址:http:/ man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: “God, what is a million do
16、llars to you?“ and God says: “A penny“, then the man says: “God, what is a million years to you?“ and God says: “a second“, then the man says: “God, can I have a penny?“ and God says “In a second“ 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:“主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?“ 上帝回答:“一便士.“男子又问:“那一百万年呢?“ 上帝说:“ 一秒钟.“最后男子请求道:“上帝,我能得到一便士吗?“上帝回答 :“过
17、一秒钟.“2.Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, “I will grant each one a wish thats 3 together.“ The Canadian said, “I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada t
18、o be forever fertile.“ The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said “Genie, tell me more about this wall,“ the genie said,” Its 50 feet thick and
19、500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out.“ President Bush said,” Wow! Thats a big bridge.Fill it with water! 拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯 .他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:“我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个.“加拿大人说:“我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃 .“精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:“精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事
20、情.“精灵回答:“墙厚 50 英尺,高500 英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去.“布什总统说:“哇!那是座大桥耶.注满水!“3.Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergenc
21、y center for help. The operator said calmly:“First, you should make sure that he is already dead.“ Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:“What should I do next?“ 经典英文笑话集锦(双语对照) - 4 -两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。
22、接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？” 4.Let me take it down An elephant said to a mouse ,“no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen .“ “Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down .“the mouse said .“I will tell a flea what I know.“ 为我所用 一头
23、大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。” “请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。 5.Watering Flower In Rain Tom:Why doyou have that watering can?Dan:Im going to water the flowers.Tom:But itd raining.Dan:Thats OK.Im wear-ing my raincoat.雨天浇花汤姆：你拿喷壶做什么？丹：我要去浇花。汤姆：可是，在下雨呀！丹：没关系，我穿着雨衣呢！How are you? (怎么是你？）How old are
24、you?（怎么老是你？）Money is not everything. Theres Mastercard Thank God we can choose our friends. 神决定了谁是你的亲戚,幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给了你留了余地. When twos company, threes the result! 两个人的状态是不稳定的,三个人才是! A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view. 服饰就象铁丝网,它阻止你冒然行动但并不妨碍你尽情的观看. The
25、 more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn. 学的越多,知道的越多, 知道的越多,忘记的越多, 忘记的越多,知道的越少, 为什么学来着?!There is a new book out called How To Be Happy Without Money.It costs ten dollars.译: 有一本叫的新书出版了. 价格 10 美元.Did you
26、hear about the snake charmer who married an undertaker? They now have towels marked “Hiss“ and “Hearse.“注:“Hiss“ - 蛇发出的丝丝声音同 “his“ - 他的. “Hearse“ - 灵车音同“hers“ - 她的经典英文笑话集锦(双语对照) - 7 -译: 你知道有一个迷弄蛇的人娶了一个殡仪员吗?现在他们的毛巾上标着“丝丝“ 和“灵车“.(也同: 你知道有一个迷弄蛇的人取了一个殡仪员吗?现在他们的毛巾上标着“他的“ 和“她的“)Flip: If you were in a jung
27、le by yourself and an elephant charged you, what would you do?Flop： Pay him.注:Charge 有“攻击“也有“索取钱财“的意思.译:甲: 如果在森林里一只大象在你独自一人时攻击你,你会怎么做 ?(也同:如果在森林里一只大象在你独自一人时向你索取钱财,你会怎么做?)乙: 负钱给它呗.My cellar is so damp， when I lay a mousetrap， I catch fish.译:我的地窖太潮湿了,当我在里面放了捕鼠器时,我逮到了鱼.Teacher: Joseph, name two pronoun
28、s.Joseph: Who, me?Teacher: Correct!译:老师:约瑟夫,说出两个代名词.约瑟夫:谁?我?(被点到名时的惊讶与疑问中)老师:对了!Clara: Do you realize it takes three sheep to make one sweater?Sarah: I didnt even know they could knit.译:Clara:你知道要三只羊才能织出一件毛衣吗?Sarah:我根本不知道它们会纺织.“Waiter, please get that fly out of my soup. I want to dine alone.“译:“服务生
29、,请你将那只苍蝇从我的汤里取出来,我想单独进餐!”Doctor: How did you get here so fast?Patient: Flu.译:医生: 你怎么这么快就来了?(指速度快,到达目的地的时间短.)病人: 流感.Patient: What does the X-ray of my head show?经典英文笑话集锦(双语对照) - 8 -Doctor: Nothing.译:病人: 我头颅的 X-射线显示了什么?医生: 什么都没有.“I told you not to swallow!“ yelled the dentist. “That was my last pair o
30、f pliers.“译:“我叫你不要咽的!“牙医大叫道:“那是我的最后一把钳子.“Doctor: Did you take the patients temperature? Nurse: No, is it missing?译:医生:你给病人量体温了吗?(也同:你拿走病人的体温了吗?)护士:没有,它丢了吗?(明显把体温当东西看待了)Waiter: These are the best eggs weve had for years.Customer: Well, bring me some you havent had around for that long.译:服务生: 这是我们这几年内
31、最好的鸡蛋了.(也同:这是我们存了很多年的最好的鸡蛋了.)顾客: 好吧,给我一些你没有放了那么久的鸡蛋.Dit: My grandfather was a Pole.Dot: North or South?注: Pole 可作“波兰人“也可做“地极“.译:甲: 我的祖父是波兰人.(也同:我的祖父是地极.)乙: 北极还是南极?Nit: I lived for a week on a can of sardines.Rita: How did you keep from falling off?译:尼特: 我整整一个星期只靠一盒沙丁鱼为生.(也同:我在一盒沙丁鱼上活了一星期.)丽塔: 你是怎样才不
32、掉下来的?Sam had just completed his first day at school. “What did you learn today?“ asked his mother. “Not enough,“ said Sammy. “I have to go back tomorrow.“译: 山姆第一天放学回家时,他的母亲问道:“你今天学了什么?“经典英文笑话集锦(双语对照) - 9 -“学得不够.“山姆回答道:“ 明天我还得去.“A ten-year-old boy was told to take care of his younger sister while his
33、 parents went into town on business. He decided to go fishing and took his little sister along.“Ill never do that again,“ the boy complained to his mother that night. “I didnt catch a thing.“Mother said, “Im sure she will be quiet next time, if you just explain to her that the fish run away when the
34、res noise.“It wasnt the noise,“ the boy said. “She ate the bait.“译: 当一个十岁小男孩的父母进城做生意时,他被指令照看他的妹妹 .男孩决定带他的妹妹去钓鱼.“我以后再也不会带她去钓鱼了.“ 当晚, 男孩向他的母亲抱怨道:“我什么都没吊到.“他的母亲说:“如果你向她解释噪声会吓跑鱼的话,我敢肯定下次她会安静的.“不是噪音的问题.“男孩答道:“她把鱼饵给吃了.“Little Girl: Id like to buy a puppy, sir. How much do they cost?Store Owner: Ten dollar
35、s apiece.Little Girl: How much does a whole one cost?注:apiece - “每个“音同 a piece - “一片“.译:小女孩: 我想买一条小狗,先生.请问它们卖多少钱?店主: 十美元一只(音同:十美元一片)小女孩: 一整只卖多少钱?First Kid: Why dont you take the bus home?Second Kid: No, thanks, my mother would only make me bring it back.译:第一个孩子: 你为什么不乘公车回家?(也同:你为什么不把公车带回家?)第二个孩子: 不了
36、,谢谢, 我母亲会让我将它再带回来的.Little Igor: What does your mother do for a headache?Little Boris: She sends me out to play.译:Little Igor:你母亲头疼时怎么办 ?Little Boris:她会让我出去玩 .“Sams parents are sending him to camp for the summer.“Does he need a vacation?“No, they do.“译:“山姆的父母要将他送到夏令营去.“他需要假期吗?“不,是他们需要.“经典英文笑话集锦(双语对照)
37、 - 10 -Two young children stood in front of a mummy case in the museum. On the bottom of the mummy case they noticed “1286 B.C.”“What does that number mean?“ asked the first one.The second one thought a moment and said, “That must be the license number of the car that hit him.“译:两个孩子站在博物馆里一个木乃伊盒子前.盒
38、子的底部标着“公元前 1286 年.“那个号是什么意思啊?“第一个孩子问.第二个孩子想了一会儿道:“肯定是撞他的那辆车的车牌号.“Suzie: What time is it?Father: Three oclock.Suzie: Oh, no, not again!Father: Whats the matter?Suzie: Ive been asking people for the time all day, and everyone I ask tells me something different.译:Suzie: 现在几点了?父亲: 3 点了.Suzie: 哦,不,怎么又这样!
39、父亲: 怎么了?Suzie: 我一天都在问人几点了, 每个人都告我一个不同的时间.Little Al: Ouch! My new shoes hurt me.Bit Al: No wonder! You have them on the wrong feet.Little Al: But I dont have any other feet.译:Little Al: 哎呀! 我的新鞋弄疼我的脚啦!Bit Al: 你穿错脚了.Little Al: 可是我没有别的脚了啊.“Can you read and write?“ the woman asked Tommy.“I can write,“ T
40、ommy replied, “but I cant read.“Well, then ,let me see how you write your name.“Tommy wrote something on a piece of paper and handed it to the woman.“What is this?“ she asked as she tried to make out the scribbling.“I dont know,“ Tommy answered. “I told you I couldnt read.“经典英文笑话集锦(双语对照) - 11 -“你会读和写吗?“ 一个女人问汤米.“我会写.“汤米说:“但我不会读.“那,好吧,让我看看你写你的名字.“汤米在一张纸上写了什么然后递给了那个女人.“你写了什么?“ 她一边试图读懂他潦草的字体一边问.“我不知道.“汤米回答道:“我说过我不会读.“Suzie: Mon, can I go out and play?Mom: With those holes in your socks?Suzie: No, with the kids next door.译:Suzie: 妈妈,我可以出去玩吗?母亲: 穿着有那么多洞的袜子去吗?(也同:和你那带洞的袜子玩吗?)Suzie: 不,和隔壁的那些孩子玩.
