1、Unit4The following text is extracted from Marriages and Families by Nijole V Benokraitis. The book has been used as a text book for sociology courses and women studies in a number of universities in the United States. It highlights important contemporary changes in society and the family and explore
2、s the choices that are available to family members, as well as the constraints that many of us do not recognize. It examines the diversity of American families today, using cross-cultural and multicultural comparisons to encourage creative thinking about the many critical issues that confront the fa
3、mily of the twenty fist century.Love and Loving RelationshipsNijole V. Benokraitis1. Love-as both an emotion and a behavior-is essential for human survival- The family is usually our earliest and most important source of love and emotional support. Babies and children deprived of love have been know
4、n to develop a wide variety of problems- for example, depression, headaches, physiological impairments, and neurotic and psychosomatic difficulties- that sometimes last a lifetime. In contrast, infants who are loved and cuddled typically gain more weight, cry less, and smile more. By five years of a
5、ge, they have been found to have significantly higher IQs and to score higher on language tests.2. Much research shows that the quality of care infants receive affects how they later get along with friends, how well they do in school, how they react to new and possibly stressful situations, and how
6、they form and maintain loving relationships as adults. It is for these reasons that peoples early intimate relationships within their family of origin are so critical. Children who are raised in impersonal environments (orphanage, some foster homes, or unloving families) show emotional and social un
7、derdevelopment, language and motor skills retardation, and mental health problems.3. Love for oneself, or self-love, is also essential for our social and emotional development. Actress Mae West once said, “I never loved another person the way I loved myself.“ Although such a statement may seem self-
8、centered, its actually quite insightful Social scientists describe self-love as an important oasis for self- esteem. Among other things, people who like themselves are more open to criticism and less demanding of others. Fromm (1956) saw self-love as a necessary prerequisite for loving others. Peopl
9、e who dont like themselves may not be able to return love but may constancy seek love relationships to bolster their own poor self-images. But just what is love? What brings people together?4. Love is an elusive concept. We have all experienced love and feel we know what it is; however, when asked w
10、hat love is, people give a variety of answers. According to a nine- year-old boy, for example, “Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.“ What we mean by love depends on whether we are talking about love for family members, friends, or lovers. Love has been a source of inspirat
11、ion, wry witticisms, and even political action for many centuries.5. Love has many dimensions. It can be romantic, exciting, obsessive, and irrational- It can also be platonic, calming, altruistic, and sensible. Many researchers feel that love defies a single definition because it varies in degree a
12、nd intensity and across social contexts. At the very least, three elements are necessary for a loving relationship: (1) a willingness to please and accommodate the other person, even if this involves compromise and sacrifice; (2) an acceptance of the other persons faults and shortcomings; and (3) as
13、 much concern about the loved ones welfare as ones own. And, people who say they are “in love“ emphasize caring, intimacy, and commitment.6. In any type of love, caring about the other person is essential. Although love may, involve passionate yearning, respect is a more important quality. Respect i
14、s inherent in all love: “I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me.“ If respect and caring are missing, the relationship is not based on love. Instead, it is an unhealthy or possessive dependency that limits the lovers soc
15、ial, emotional, and intellectual growth.7. Love, especially long-term love, has nothing in common with the images of love or .frenzied sex that we get from Hollywood, television, and romance novels. Because of these images, many people believe a variety of myths about love. These misconceptions ofte
16、n lead to unrealistic expectations, stereotypes, and disillusionment. In fact, “real“ love is closer to what one author called “stirring-the-oatmeal love“ (Johnson 1985). This type of love is neither exciting nor thrilling but is relatively mundane and unromantic. It means paying bills, putting out
17、the garbage, scrubbing toilet bowls, being up all night with a sick baby, and performing myriad other oatmeal“ tasks that are not very sexy.8. Some partners take turns stirring the oatmeal. Other people seek relationships that offer candlelit gourmet meals in a romantic setting. Whether we decide to
18、 enter a serious relationship or not, what type of love brings people together?9. What attracts individuals to each other in the first place? Many people believe that “theres one person out there that one is meant for“ and that destiny will bring them together. Such beliefs are romantic but unrealis
19、tic. Empirical studies show that cultural norms and values, not fate, bring people together We will never meet millions of potential lovers because they are “filtered out“ by formal or informal rules on partner eligibility due ton factors such as age, race, distance, Social class, religion, sexual o
20、rientation, health, or physical appearance.10. Beginning in childhood, parents encourage or limit future romantic liaisons by selecting certain neighborhoods and schools. In early adolescence, pear norms influence the adolescents decisions about acceptable romantic involvements (“You want to date wh
21、o?!“). Even during the preteen years, romantic experiences are cultured in the sense that societal and group practices and expectations shape romantic experience. Although romance may cross cultural or ethnic borders, criticism and approval teach us what is acceptable romantic behavior and with whom
22、. One might “lust“ for someone, but these yearnings will not lead most of us to “fall in love“ if there are strong cultural or group bans.11. Regan and Berscheid (1999) differentiate between lust, desire, and romantic love. They describe lust as primarily physical rather than emotional, a condition
23、that maybe conscious or unconscious. Desire, in contrast, is a psychological in which one wants a relationship that one doesnt now have, or to engage in an activity in which one is not presently engaged. Desire may or may not lead to romantic love (which the authors equate with passionate or erotic
24、low). Regan and Berscheid suggest that desire is an essential ingredient for initiating and maintaining romantic love. If desire disappears, a person is no longer said to be in a state of romantic love. Once desire diminishes, disappointed lovers may wonder where the “spark“ in their relationship ha
25、s gone and may reminisce regretfully (and longingly) about “the good old days“.12. One should not conclude, however, that desire always culminates in physical intimacy or that desire is the same as romantic love. Married partners may love each other even though they rarely, or never, engage in physi
26、cal intimacy. In addition, there are some notable differences between love- especially long-term love- and romantic love. Healthy loving relationships, whether physical or not (such as love for family members), reflect a balance of caring, intimacy, and commitment.下面的文章选自奈杰尔贝诺克瑞提斯的婚姻与家庭。此书在美国的一些大学里被
27、用作社会学和妇女研究等课程的教材，它强调了在当代社会和家庭中所发生的重要变化，探索了家庭成员所面临的选择，以及我们很多人都还未意识到的种种约束。该书还审视了当今美国家庭的多样性，运用跨文化和多元文化的比较，以激发创造性思维来研究 21 世纪家庭所面临的许多严峻问题。爱和情感连系奈杰尔贝诺克瑞提斯1. 爱，对于人类的生存是不可或缺的。它既是一种情感，又是一种行为。家庭通常是我们最早和最重要的爱和情感支持的来源。众所周知，缺乏爱的婴幼儿会产生各种各样的问题，如抑郁症、头痛、生理残疾、神经质或身心疾病，这些病有时会伴随他们一生。而对比之下，拥有爱和拥抱的婴儿通常体重增加得快，哭得少，而笑得多。到了五
28、岁时，他们的智商和语言测试的分数明显比前一类儿童高得多。2. 很多研究发现婴儿获得关爱的质量会影响到他们以后的交友，在学校的表现，如何应对陌生的或可能充满压力的情况，以及他们成年后如何建立并且维系情感连系。正是因为这些原因，人们与家庭成员的早期亲密关系才如此至关重要。在人情冷漠的环境中(如孤儿院，某些寄养家庭，或缺乏关爱的家庭 )长大的孩子会出现情感和社会性发育不良，语言和运动技能迟缓，以及精神健康问题。3. 对自己的爱，或者说自爱，对我们的社会性和情感发展也是至关重要的。女演员梅韦斯特曾说过， “我从没有像爱自己那样爱过别人。 ”虽然这样的话听起来似乎有些以自我为中心，实际上却是相当有见地。
29、社会学家将自爱描述为自尊的一个重要基础。从别的方面来说，自我喜欢的人更乐于接受批评，对别人的要求也不那么苛刻。弗罗姆(1956)认为自爱是爱别人的先决条件。不喜欢自己的人也许不懂得回报爱，而却有可能不停地寻找爱的关系来改变卑微的自我形象。那么到底什么是爱?是什么让人们走到一起?4. 爱是一个难以描述的概念。我们都经历过爱，觉得我们知道爱是什么，然而当被问到什么是爱时，人们给出的答案却不尽相同，比如一个九岁的男孩说， “爱像雪崩，你必须快跑才能活命。 ”爱对我们来说意味着什么，这取决于我们所指的是家人之间、朋友之间还是恋人之间的爱。几百年来爱都是灵感、俏皮的揶揄、甚至是政治活动的来源。5. 爱有
30、很多层面，它可能是浪漫的，令人激动的，让人着迷的，或者是非理性的。它也可能是柏拉图式的，令人平静的，无私的，或者理智的。许多研究者觉得爱没有一个唯一的定义，它有程度和强度之分，并且跨越了社会背景。拥有恋爱关系至少需要具备三个元素：1)愿意取悦和迁就另一方，即使需要妥协或牺牲； 2)能接受另一方的错误和缺点；3)关心爱人的幸福像关心自己一样。而且，说自己 “处于恋爱中”的人们重视相互之间的关心、亲密和忠诚。6. 不管是哪种类型的爱，关心另一方是非常必要的。虽然爱可能包含激情的渴望，然而相互尊重才是更重要的品质。相互尊重是所有爱的共性：“我想要我爱的人为他自己成长发展，并且用他自己的方式，而不是为
31、了迎合我。 ”如果没有尊重和关怀，两人的关系就不是建立在爱的基础上；反而成为一种不健康的或者是具有占有欲的依赖，而这会限制爱的双方在社会、情感和智力方面的发展。7. 爱，特别是长久的爱，和我们从好莱坞、电视、或爱情小说中获得的对爱和狂热的性爱的印象完全不同。由于这些印象的缘故，许多人对爱有各种各样的误解，这些误解常常会导致不现实的期望、固定模式或幻觉破灭。事实上， “真”爱更接近于一位作家(约翰逊，1995)所称的“搅燕麦粥之爱” 。这种爱既不令人激动也不能令人兴奋，但是它却是实实在在的，不浪漫的。它是付账单，倒垃圾，刷马桶，孩子生病时守夜，以及完成其他各种各样不那么性感的“搅燕麦粥”的任务。
32、8. 有些伴侣们轮流来“搅燕麦粥” ，其他人则寻求一种能带来浪漫的烛光美餐的恋爱关系。不管我们是否决定建立认真的恋爱关系，是什么样的爱让我们走到一起?9. 一开始让人相互吸引的是什么?许多人相信“世上有一个人是你为之而生的” ，而且命运会将你俩带到一起。这样的想法很浪漫却不现实。实证研究发现，是文化标准和价值观而非命运，将人们连系在一起。我们错过了成千上万的可能的爱人，因为他们早就被正式的或非正式的挑选理想爱人的准则筛选出局，这些准则包括年龄、种族、地域、社会阶层、宗教、性倾向、健康状况或外表。10. 从童年开始，父母们就通过选择某个街区和学校，或是鼓励或是限制孩子未来的情感关系。在青少年早期
33、，同伴们的标准也会影响青少年决定哪些情感关系是可以接受的(“你想和谁约会? ”)。甚至在 13 岁之前，情感经历就由社会和群体的活动和期望所决定和培养起来了。虽然爱情可以跨越文化和民族的界线，但批评和赞同教会了我们什么是可以接受的浪漫行为和与谁发生浪漫行为。一个人也许会对另一个人产生“欲望” ，但是如果有强烈的文化或族群反对，我们中的大多数人即使有这样的渴望也不会因此而爱上某人的。11. 里根和波谢德(1999)曾把贪欲、性欲和浪漫的爱加以区分。他们把贪欲描述为身体上的而非情感上的兴奋，是一种有意识的或无意识的状态。相反性欲是一种心理状态，在这种心理状态下，一个人想建立一种目前还不具有的恋爱关
34、系，或者是想进行一种目前还没有进行的行为。性欲可能会成为或不会成为浪漫的爱情(作者把浪漫的爱情等同于充满激情或性欲的爱) 。里根和波谢德认为：性欲是点燃并维持浪漫爱情的必要成分。一旦性爱消失了，一个人就不能再说成是还处在浪漫恋情中。一旦欲望消失了，失望的恋人就会诧异原来他们关系中的“火花”去哪儿了，他们可能会很遗憾地(而且渴望地)怀念“过去的美好时光 ”。12. 然而，我们不应就此得出性欲总是以身体的亲密接触告终，或性与浪漫爱情是同一回事的结论。结了婚的伴侣们可以深爱对方，即使很少或从来没有身体的亲密接触。此外，爱，尤其是长期的爱，和浪漫的爱是有很大区别的。健康的恋爱关系，不管它们是有性的或是无性的(比如对家人的爱 )都反映了关怀、亲密和忠诚的平衡。
