1、All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff.Frank Zappa. Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.Dick Brandon Eat my shorts.Bart Simpson What other culture could have produced someone like Hemmingw
2、ay and not seen the joke?Gore Vidal. The trouble with children is that theyre not returnable.Quentin Crisp. There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Its clearly a budget. Its got a lot of numbers in it.George W Bush Wagners music is better than it sounds. Mark Twain T
3、here is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. P.J. ORourke. Some mornings, its just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
4、Emo Philips See what will happen if you dont stop biting your fingernails?Will RogersTo his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. WC Fields. I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.Noel Coward Were going to hav
5、e the best-educated American people in the world. Dan Quayle 9/21/88 Eagles may soar high, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.John Benfield Well love you just the way you are if youre perfect.Alanis Morissette O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.Saint Augustine Dr Donnes verses are lik
6、e the peace of God; they pass all understanding.James I. A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.H. L. Mencken I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen. The television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you
7、wouldnt have in your home.David Frost Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.Woody Allen If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.Edsger Dijkstra I intend to live forever. So far, so good.Steven Wright Christmas is a t
8、ime when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. Richard Lamm. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. David Letterman. My
9、grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. Shes ninety-seven now, and we dont know where the hell she is.Ellen DeGeneres The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Piccadilly Circus.Joseph Thomson. I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. I want
10、 to achieve it through not dying.Woody Allen Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.George Bernard Shaw. Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.George Bernard Shaw Women have a much better time than men in this wor
11、ld. There are far more things forbidden to them.Oscar Wilde Put three Zionists in a room and they will form four political parties.Levi Eshkol. Imagine what it would be like if TV actually were good. It would be the end of everything we know.Marvin Minsky In mathematics you dont understand things. Y
12、ou just get used to them.John Von Neumann A plumbers idea of cleopatra. W. C. Fields talking about Mae West Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.Groucho Marx Dont look now, but theres one too many in this room and I think its you.Groucho Marx I have nothing to declare except my genius.
13、Oscar Wilde Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the spirits of things. Dee Snider. A language that doesnt have everything is actually easier to program in than some that doDennis M. Ritchie Television: A medium. So called because its neither rare nor well done.Ernie Kovacs. If youve
14、 got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.John Wayne The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. Thats where we come in; were computer professionals. We cause accidents.Nathaniel Borenstein Thats my only goal. Surround myself with funny peo
15、ple, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.Joe Rogan To write a diary every day is like returning to ones own vomit.Enoch Powell. People always ask me, Were you funny as a child? Well, no, I was an accountant.Ellen DeGeneres I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawy
16、er thinks he can get me five.Steven Wright I love being a writer. What I cant stand is the paperwork.Peter De Vries Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.H.L. Mencken. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and
17、finally, you forget to pull it down. George Burns. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. Mark Twain When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much hed learne
18、d in seven years.Author UnknownOften erroneously attributed to Mark Twain. To err is human - but it feels divine.Mae West Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.Rita Rudner If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He wou
19、ld just cough.Woody Allen I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.Bob Hope Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.Laurence J. Peter Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.Oscar Wilde Before
20、 software can be reusable it first has to be usable.Ralph Johnson Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.Will Rogers UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. Dennis Ritchie. A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Ein
21、stein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams The Prime Minister has nothing to hide from the President of the United States.Winston ChurchillStepping from his bath in presence of President Roosevelt. Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more
22、 likely to be female.Desmond Morris If youve got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.John Wayne. The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.Bob Monkhouse. Pavarotti is not vain, but conscious of being u
23、nique.Peter Ustinov. Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering. Tom Stoppard. An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.Ambrose Bierce But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.George Bernard Shaw The truth i
24、s that men are tired of liberty.Benito Mussolini. Submitted by Hannah c WillyThat when I was in a band camp is old what about grandma telling u the story of the time I was a porn star She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short. Clive Jame
25、s talking about Marilyn Monroe A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.Groucho Marx His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.Mae West A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.William Faulkne
26、r The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.Jilly Cooper His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.Woody Allen The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user friendliness i
27、s quite simple: if this system was a person, how long would it take before you punched it in the nose?Tom Carey An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.Ambrose Bierce The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offen
28、seEdsger Dijkstra Lisa, if you dont like your job you dont strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. Thats the American way.Homer Simpson Ive had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasnt it.Groucho Marx Your Honor, you have not made one intelligent decision during the cours
29、e of this trial, and I dont expect one now.Larry Flynt 驾驶员之家 http:/ A3 驾驶证能开什么车I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.Emo Philips I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.George Burns I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in
30、 twenty minutes. It involves Russia.Woody Allen A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.“Steven Wright When I wake up in the morning, I just cant get started until Ive had that first, piping hot po
31、t of coffee. Oh, Ive tried other enemas.Emo Philips I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said No.Woody Allen I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. Youd think about wha
32、t kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.Steven Wright When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesnt work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.Emo Philips Money is better than poverty, if only for fi
33、nancial reasons.Woody Allen Submitted by Jordan BernaquerDont make me shove my foot up your asspipe If it turns out that there is a God, I dont think that hes evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically hes an underachiever.Woody Allen By the time youre eighty years old youve le
34、arned everything. You only have to remember it.George Burns Marry me and Ill never look at another horse!Groucho Marx He said Im going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, “Thats a turn-up for the books.“Tommy Cooper I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasnt arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and Im going to be happy in it.Groucho Marx
