1、 702 The One With Rachels BookScene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebes, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.Joey: Hey!Ross: Hi!Joey: Who wants French toast?Ross: Oh, Ill have some!Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.M
2、onica: (entering from her room) Oww!Chandler: Whats the matter honey?Monica: I dont know, my hand feels weird. I guess its because, Im engaged! (Shows off the ring.) How long before it starts getting annoying?Phoebe: It starts?Rachel: Yeah, so lets get started on the wedding plans!Monica: Okay! (Run
3、s off.)Chandler: (incredulous) Already?!Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the musicChandler: Oh, I got some thoughts on that.Rachel: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooksRoss: Take from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right
4、 name.Monica: (returning) Okay! (Sets down a huge 3 3-ring binder on the table.)Chandler: What in Gods name is that?!Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I havent seen that since the forth grade!Monica: This baby has got everything. Take yknow, locations for instance. (She opens up the binder to the
5、locations chapter.) First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage. Phoebe: That is so smart! (To Chandler, under her breath) Break it off. Break it off now.Opening CreditsScene: A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had t
6、he idea for Jurassic Park first! Now lets take a look at (Phoebe rushes in.)Phoebe: Hey! Ross!Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?Phoebe: I need to talk to you, its pretty urgent. Its about Monica and Chandler.Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. (To the class.) Umm, would you p
7、lease excuse me for a moment? Umm, do you know each others hometowns? Why dont you (Motions that they should learn everyones hometown.) (To Phoebe) Wh-whats going on?Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had s
8、ome privacy, yknow? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days?Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-whats wrong with Monica and Chandler?Phoebe: NothingWhy?!Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent!Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! Im going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.Ross: Do you real
9、ize I have a classroom full of students?Phoebe: (to the students) Oh, Im sorry. Im so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebes, Rachel and Monica are pretty much telling Chandler what the wedding plans are.Monica: All right, so I havent cleared the budget wit
10、h my parents yet, but tell me how this is for music.Rachel: Okay.Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession.Rachel: Aw. Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.Chandler: Well, you couldnt get them anyway. Ian doe
11、snt plan anymore and Derrick (Off of Rachel and Monicas looks) And Derrick is a name I shouldnt know.Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up one.) Yknow, something a little snugglyer?Chandler: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?Joey:
12、Well, the duckRachel: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?!Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!Chandler: Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?Mo
13、nica: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too!Chandler: Okay.Monica: Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces?Chandler: Centerpieces!Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a picture of each.)Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just
14、think theyre a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.Monica: Oh my God! Its like one mind.Chandler: Uh-huh!Joey: (sitting up again) Guys! Guys! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, Im gonna get cranky!Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch
15、across the hall!Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!Rachel: What?!Joey: All right, Im gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.)Rachel: Now Joey, what did the duck do?!Joey: I dont know! But he did not eat your face cream! Cut to Joey and Rachels, Joey
16、enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find the duck.Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (Hes about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachels
17、 room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) Thats so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked
18、 at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar(Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) wouldnt be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his(Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Contin
19、ues to read.)Scene: Rosss apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on her table shes set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.Ross: Uh, PhoebePhoebe: Oh Ross, hi.Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing?Phoebe: Im sorry, Im with a client righ
20、t now.Ross: Phoebe!Phoebe: Okay, lets talk outside.(They go into the hall.)Ross: Phoebe, you cant massage people in my apartment!Phoebe: Whats the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandlers!Ross: And they knew about it?Phoebe: (pause as she considers it) Okay, well Ross, what is this really about?Ro
21、ss: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want!Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I just dont know what the big deal is!Ross: The big deal is I dont want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a p
22、uzzlebeer! Cold beer.Scene: Joey and Rachels, Joey is sweeping up as Rachel enters.Rachel: Hey Joey, what cha doing?Joey: Sweepin. Why? Turn you on?Rachel: No.Joey: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney?Rachel: Joey, did you my face cream?(She walks into her bedroom.)Joey: Where are you going? The v
23、icar wont be home for hours.(She comes back out.)Rachel: Joey, (nervously) where did you learn that word?Joey: Where do you think, (pause) Zelda?Rachel: (gasps) You found my book?!Joey: Yeah I did!Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?!Joey: Okay, look Im sorry, I went in there
24、 to take a nap and I know I shouldnt have, but you got porn!Rachel: Hey-hey, yknow what? I dont care! Im not ashamed of my book. There s nothing with a woman enjoying a littleerotica. Its just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. (She goes into her r
25、oom.)Joey: You got porn!Scene: Rosss apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and a puzzlebeer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebes massage table, but being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He sets the table back up and opens the door to r
26、eveal a beautiful woman.Ross: Hello.Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here?Ross: Uh no-no, she-shes out for the night.Woman: Ohh great.Ross: Can I, can I help you with something?Woman: Well, I dont know. Are you a masseur?Ross: (deadpan) Yes I am.Woman: Great! (Calls down the hall) Dad! (Her old father walks
27、in.) Thank you so much, Ill be back to pick him up in an hour. (She walks away.) (Ross isnt happy and closes the door slowly.)Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, youre parents mustve been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.C
28、handler: Oh yeah, I should probably call them. Mr. Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.Chandler: Oh, I dont think I ever heard that story.Monica: Oh dad, really you dont need toMr. Geller: (ignoring her) Well, Id gotten Judy pregnant. I still dont know that happened.Mrs. Geller: (incredulou
29、s) You dont know how that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!Chandler: What a sweet story.Monica: Well, at least youre not hearing it for the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party.Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story!Monica: Anyway, were really excited about our
30、 wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon well be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (Chandler and her laugh, but her parents dont.) What?Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I cant do it.Monica: What happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund dont you?Mr. Geller: We have it.
31、Only now, we call it the beach house.Commercial BreakScene: A Restaurant, scene continued from before the break.Monica: I dont believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house!Mrs. Geller: Were sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30 youd pay for it yourself.Monic
32、a: You bought the beach house when I was 23!Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you cant put a price on that sweetie.Mrs. Geller: We really do feel bad about this though.Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so we redid
33、the kitchen.Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler?Mrs. Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didnt think hed ever propose!Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)Monica: I cant believe it!
34、That there is no money for my wedding?!Mrs. Geller: We might still have some money, if your father didnt think it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid.Mr. Geller: All right, enough! I dont want to hea
35、r about it anymore! (Under his breath) Good luck, Chandler. (Chandler takes another drink.)Scene: Rosss apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesnt like it.Ross: Okay! Now, Im going to touch you. (He does
36、 so, very gingerly.) Ohh, thats soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage him with those.)Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebes, Monica and Chandler are returning from dinner, Rachel is already there.Monica: I cant believe this. Do you think that your parents coul
37、d help pay for it?Chandler: I dont know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. Shes saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.Rachel: Well what happened at dinner?Monica: My parents spent the money for our
38、wedding!Phoebe: (gasps) My God! What did you order?!Rachel: Wait, but theres no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!Chandler: Honey, its gonna be okay.Monica: No! No its not! Its not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies!Rachel: No,
39、 yknow what? Its gonna be okay. I mean you dont have to have this rustic Italian feast. Yknow? And-and you dont need, you dont need this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.)Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The im
40、portant thing is that we love each other and that were gonna get married.Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?!Phoebe: Look, why dont you just pay for it yourself?Monica: How? I dont have any money.Chandler: Well, I have some.Monica: How much?Chandler: Well, close to (Notices Rache
41、l leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.) Monica: Whoa! Are you kidding me?!Rachel: Well what?! How-how much is it?!Monica: Its enough for wedding scenario eight.Rachel: Ohh! (Whispers.) Really?!Monica: (To Chandler) How great
42、are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding!Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh, you guys are so made for each other.Chandler: Well, youre not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah!Chandler: Well, come
43、 on, Ive been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.Phoebe: (reading the slip of paper) Wow! (In a sultry voice) Hello, Mr. Chandler.Monica: This is the most special day of our lives.Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but Im not go
44、nna spend all of the money on one party.Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. Okay? (Laughs) Listen, we could always earn more money, okay? But uh, were only gonna get married once.Chandler: Look, I understand, but
45、I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no.Monica: You-youre gonna have to put your foot down?Chandler: Yes, I am!Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting there.Joey: Hey
46、 Rach.Rachel: (quietly) Joey.Joey: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke?Rachel: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.Joey: No-no-no, Im serious. You dont smell it? Somethings on fire.Rachel: Well no, I dont smell anything.Joey: Oh, yknow what? Its probably just your burnin loin
47、s.Ross: (sitting down) Hey, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about?Rachel: Nothing!Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffees cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)Rachel: Yknow, I can not believe you told him, Joey!Ross: So I guess you bough
48、t that book after we broke up huh?Rachel: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you. (Exits.)Ross: (chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard him.) (To that table.) Sup?Phoebe: (entering) Ross! How c
