1、Pilot 1.01EditFirst scene of the series, in 2030Future Ted: Kids, Im going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.Teds Son: Are we being punished or something?Future Ted: No.Teds Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I w
2、as Dad, I had this whole other lifeTed just saw RobinFuture Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, “See that girl? Im gonna marry her someday.“Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you jus
3、t KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say Hi.Purple Giraffe 1.02EditLily: Hey. Im just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like. my shirt. Kinda dont wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, thats right, Im not wearing any.Marshall: stops wo
4、rking and looks at Lily No underwear?Lily: Not even slightly.Ted: Guys. camera pans to reveal he is in the room with them BOUNDARIES!Robin discovers why Ted threw three straight parties in as many nightsTed: Robin, look I didnt invite you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before th
5、at. Or the one before that. Robin smiles I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.Robin: Well, here I am.Ted: Theres something here, look, unless Im crazy.Robin: Youre not crazy. II dont know, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and youre looking at me with that look and its likeTed: Like
6、 what?Robin: Likelets fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.Ted: Im not gonna force sports on them unless theyre interested.Robin: laughs Its a great look. But youre looking at the wrong girl.Ted: No, Im not.Robin: Yes, you are. I dont wanna get married right
7、now, maybe ever and if we got together Id feel like Id either have to marry you or break your heart andI just couldnt do either of those things. Just like you cant turn off the way you feel.Ted: reaches in jacket Click. Off. Lets make out.Robin: laughs What?Ted: What? That was the off switch! And I
8、turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, buton the other hand - you, me, the roof.Robin: Theres no off switch.Ted: There is an off switch and its off.Robin: smiling no, its not.Ted: silence yes, it is. draws closer to TedRobin: No itsnot.Ted: Yesit is long k
9、iss with Robin No its not. Youre right, theres no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch!Sweet Taste of Liberty 1.03EditTed: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. Thats it, thats all
10、 this is!Airport Security Guard: Nobodys that lame.Ted: Yes, hes that lame. to Barney Tell him youre that lame.Barney: .we are international businessmen!Barney: at a party Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.Barney: Do you ever like, stick you
11、r head inside it?Employee: Yeah.Barney: Have you ever licked it?Employee: Nope.I have never licked it.Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - whats the word?Ted: Im leaving.Barney: Legendary!Return of the Shirt 1.04E
12、ditBarney: Booger.Ted: Yes, hello Barney.Robin: Barneys offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people,
13、 babies, monkeys. Thats not journalism. Thats just things in a diaper.Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to. the City Hall beat.Lily: City Hall! Miss Thang!Robin: So, Im not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying “booger“ for 50 bucks.Barney: Of course not. Because now y
14、oure saying “nipple“, and its a hundred. motions with finger Step into my web.Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her.againNatalie: after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him Im NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?Ted: I-Im sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I.Natalie: Its my birt
15、hday!Ted: Yes, I know its just.Natalie: Its my birthday, and youre telling me Im not the one for you?Ted: Its no big deal. Its not like you lost the lottery-Natalie: Oh, so dating yous like winning the lottery? Ted stammers So whats the problem?Ted: I cant explain.Natalie: Try!Ted: Well, its just in
16、effable.Natalie: Oh, so Im not F-able?Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it cant be explained.Natalie: So Im stupid?Ted: Whats going on?Natalie: Whats going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go o
17、ut with you again, only so you could dump me three years later, again on my birthday!Ted: No no, its not like that.its just.its just-Natalie: WHAT!?Ted: Im just like super busy right now.Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said.Natalie: in flashback, at the bar I got a Krav Maga class in about half an
18、 hour.Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. Its a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.Natalie proceeds to beat up TedOkay Awesome 1.05EditBarney: Ted, get your coat, were leaving.Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?Barney
19、: That was my cousin Leslie!Ted: What!? begins to laughBarney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that were gonna be telling in a couple of months. Its not gonna be like “Remember that time when you were grinding with-“ NO. And do you know why? Bec
20、ause, italics, Barney holds his hands up and slants them to an angle this night did not happen.Lily: Hey.Robin: Hey.Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.Robin: Actually I cant even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one
21、 time and I start thinking Im Julia Roberts. Im no VIP, Im not even an IP; Im just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.Lily: You know something, Id take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.Slutty Pumpkin 1.06EditLily: Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.Marshall: W
22、hat a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.Lily: As parrot Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!Marshall: Again?Marshall follows Lily to the bathroomTed: Where are you going?Marshall: Its. an elaborate costum
23、e.Robin: How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkins going to show up?Ted: Well, Im pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isnt going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morni
24、ng. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.Matchmaker 1.07EditLily: Just play cool, dont Ted-out about it.Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. “Ted-out“: to overthink. Also see “Ted-up“. “Ted-up“: to overthink with di
25、sastrous results. Sample sentence: “Billy Tedded-up when he tried-“Ted: Okay. I get it!Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?Lily: It was a cockamouse!Robin: What?Lily: Its some sort of mutant combination of the two. Its as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know.Barney: Did the horizontal, ten
26、-legged, interspecies cha-cha?The Duel 1.08EditFlashbackMarshall: So when Lily and I get married. whos gonna get the apartment?Ted: Wow. thats a tough one. Yknow who I think could handle a problem like that?Marshall: Who?Ted: Future Ted your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply
27、divided on almost every important issue.Ted: beat .your cops are called mounties.Ted: Barney.Barney: Yeah, whats up?Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else does.Barney: Yeah, so? Ted steals paper Hey! Thats my private personal business!Ted: “Court Mandated Community Service“?Robin: Oh my God, youre
28、on probation? What did you do?Barney: Thats my private personal business!flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judges church!Ted: You peed on a church?Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I
29、 did not see because I was drunk!Ted: You are evil!Robin: All is right with the world again.The Pineapple Incident 1.10EditMarshall: You okay?Ted: Sure. Why?Marshall: Ah. I dont know. Girl of your dreams. dating a billionaire.Ted: Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, shes not the gir
30、l of my dreams, were just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. II mean, Im looking to settle down, shes looking for a Barney starts snoringBarney: Wha.? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? Shes short, but has an ample bosom. I love it!
31、 Shes like half boob. whispers to Ted Lets go.Ted: Yeah, and say what? Whats our big opening line?Barney: It was, uh. Daddys home.Ted: Daddys home?Barney: Yeah!Ted: Okay, you. you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, Daddys home. Really think about that, Barney.Barney: Hmm. y
32、eah, I think its pretty solid.Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.The Limo 1.11EditMarshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs. Its like were the president.Ted: Youre not. Moby, are you?No
33、t Moby/Erik: Who?Robin: The recording artist, Moby.Not Moby/Erik: Oh, no.Barney: Then why, when we said “Hey, Moby“ did you come over here?Not Moby/Erick: Oh, I thought you said Tony.Ted: So your names Tony?Not Moby/Erick: No.The Wedding 1.12EditMarshall and Lily argue about their plans for an ideal
34、 weddingMarshall: Ok, Im just saying that its my wedding too and I should have a say in it.Lily: But Im the bride. So, I win.Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.Lily: Right, but Im the bride. So, I win.Lily takes Barney aside at MacLarens after she s
35、ees him trying to seduce Claudia, who just called off the wedding with StuartLily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts youre trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your
36、 eyes pop out and then Ill feed them to you like grapes!Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?Lily: thinks about it One of each!Drumroll, Please 1.13EditLily: to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?Ted: I had the most. amazing night ever.Marshall: T
37、ell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like “Hey bro, I dont know what youre eating cause I dont have any eyes but its basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley.“Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like “Girlfriend, we dont always get along but that c
38、ake.“Victoria: Why dont we just. dance. And have a great time. And when its over, never see each other again.Ted: Unless-Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, well make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when were old and gray, well look back on th
39、is moment. and itll be perfect.Ted: Wow. Okay Im in.Victoria: enthusiastically Okay!Ted: I guess, uh, what, well need fake names?Victoria: Um. you can call me Buttercup. Ted and “Buttercup“ shake handsTed: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. Im. Lando Calrissian. Victoria laughs Wow, this is kind of exc
40、iting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-Barney: with bridesmaid on his arm Hey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.Ted: to Victoria So Im Ted.Victoria: Victoria.Zip, Zip, Zip 1.14EditBarney: Ted, the only reason to wa
41、it a month for sex is if the girl is seventeen years, eleven months old.Barney: in the laser tag arena Dont be a hero, Scherbatsky!Robin: See you on the other side.Both: Charging Yaahhhhh!Both got shotBarney: Damn! .You wanna get a soft pretzel?Robin: Yeah.Game Night 1.15EditVictoria: Ive only had t
42、wo boyfriends before Ted.Robin: Prude alert!Victoria: Well, two serious ones. Ive dated others in between.Robin: Slut alert!Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.Victoria: OK, it involves a game of “Truth or Dare“, a squeeze bottle of marshmallo
43、w ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparents retirement community.Future Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but theres no way in hell Im telling you this one. Dont worry, it wasnt that great.Marshall: staring goggle-eyed at Victoria That. is the greatest story. ever!Lil
44、y: Oh my God!Cupcake 1.16EditLily: Trying on wedding dresses Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.Ted: Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.Life Among the Gorillas 1.17EditBilson: Nice tie! Steak sauce!Blauman: Ohhhhhhh,
45、 steakkk sauce!Marshall looks for a stain on his tieBarney: Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, lets get to work. Its 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait,
46、 knock knock, somebody is at the back door.Marshall: I dont have a back door.Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!Marshall: Right, well, Im engaged.Blauman: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!Marshall: Were still engaged.B
47、ilson: Ok, fiance is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!Marshall: I want to give you the package.Lily: The package? Youve already given me the package. Youve got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.Lil
48、y: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but youve got a huge package!Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishlyNothing Good Happens After 2 A.M. 1.18EditLittle girl: Do you have a fianc?Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fianc.Robin: Oh no, I dont have a fianc.Little girl: Then who do you live with?Robin: Well, actually, Ive got five dogs.Little girl: Dont you get lonely?Robin: No, Ive got five dogs.Little girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.Robin: Well, yeah, t
